


a cigarette and a few thoughts

by MoraMew



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Introspection, Self-Doubt, Smoking, boyfriend sweater, kyoutani brooding a little, mentions of: bruises (in a sex way) and drinking and stabbing, vague mafia au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 03:47:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14887038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoraMew/pseuds/MoraMew
Summary: Kyoutani gets contemplative.





	a cigarette and a few thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly don't know. i'm very sleepy and i wanted broody kyoutani but kyoutani is also v e r y hard to write.  
> idk. just take this. maybe one day i'll actually write proper mafia kyouyachi like my heart hungers for

She's too good for him.  
  
Kyoutani looks down at her, down at tangled blonde hair and pale pink lips and little button nose. She’s so small in his bed, so perfect and tiny in his old Aoba Johsai sweater. He can see a faint bruise on her neck left over from the night before and he knows that her thighs hold more. She mumbles in her sleep as he watches and stirs, curling up more with a soft sigh.  
  
Soft. She's soft and small and sweet and everything he’s not. She’s a good person and she deserves someone better.  
  
Kyoutani moves from the bed as quietly as he can and grabs his pack of cigarettes from the nightstand. He’s been trying to quit- he knows she doesn't like it- but it's harder than he thought it would be.  
  
He waits to light up until he’s outside and takes a deep, deep drag when he can, blows out smoke toward a slowly brightening sky. There’s a touch of humidity in the air and it might rain, but he doesn’t care too much outside of remembering that he agreed to go on a trip with her soon, that she wants to go to Bali. It's a piss poor way to make up for her coming home to find him stitching up a stab wound, but it's what she had asked for through choked back tears and a shaking voice. He’ll give her Bali and everything she wants, but he knows it won't take away her misery or the fear that's crept into her heart.  
  
Kyoutani broods over it and he leans against the rail of the balcony, pushing a hand through his hair and scowling down at the courtyard below.  
  
Why is she still fucking with him? After stab wounds and split knuckles, blood ruining her good towels and plans cancelled in exchange for hospital visits, why is she still with him? She doesn't fucking deserve this bullshit and she doesn't deserve the worry that leaves her curled up in bed and crying. Oikawa says that he should leave her for her own sake and Kyoutani agrees with him.  
  
But he’s greedy. Selfish. He could never see her with someone else and he wouldn’t even know what to do if she was gone, how to handle life without her. She's the one that got him like this- facing his fucking emotions and brooding because he wants to be better for the first fucking time in his life. He’s never thought so much, felt so much and he can still barely process it, can barely muddle his emotions out and label them as more complex than just _hungry, angry, paranoid, bored_.  
  
It's fucking too much, almost. It pisses him off to feel overwhelmed and it pisses him off not knowing how to deal with it, but it pisses him off even more now that he's realized that he really is the asshole that everyone has told him he is. He wouldn't care before, but now he cares about _her_. Now he cares about someone other than himself for the first time in his life- someone so much better than him, someone _good_ \- and now he’s facing the paranoid fear that she’ll leave once she realizes, just like everyone else, that he’s a piece of shit.  
  
She can’t leave him. Not now. Not after she's made him into _this_.  
  
Kyoutani scowls and he flicks the too long ash from his cigarette, takes a draw from the mostly burned out stub.  
  
He’s fucking pathetic. Almost as bad as Oikawa and his flux of emotions. Almost as bad as Sugawara and his black out drunk monologues and mumbles lamenting over that too good history professor and his own personal failings.  
  
They’d give him so much fucking shit if they knew he was smoking and mulling over his thoughts like some cliche character in one of those shitty movies they love to watch just to make fun of.  
  
Kyoutani huffs to himself and he takes one last drag of his cigarette before tamping it out and tossing the butt into the trash. He needs to go inside before she wakes up and he needs to get his fucking shit in order before he lets his mind shake him too much out of whack; Oikawa will know something is up if he goes in brooding and Kyoutani doesn’t want to deal with his shit today.  
  
The soft, sudden fall of footsteps behind him makes him tense, but the soft mumble of “Kyou?” eases his shoulders back down and Kyoutani turns to find her stand in the open doorway rubbing at her eye with her fist and yawning. She looks sleepy and tired, small in his sweater that hits her mid thigh and dwarfs her like a child. The bruises on her thighs are darker than the one on her neck and Kyoutani eyes her, a little hungry, before stepping toward her.  
  
He’s always hungry for her. He always wants her.  
  
“What...what are you doing out here?” she asks in a mumble, amber eyes dark and drowsy as she looks up at him.  
  
“Smoking,” he tells her, a wisp of guilt resting in him. She hums and he reaches to touch her cheek, pets at it carefully as she presses into his touch. “Go back to bed.”  
  
She huffs and ruins it with a yawn, makes him marvel at the warmth she sets off in him when she reaches to hold his hand that's cupping her face. He’ll never get over how small her hand is in his, how big she makes him feel when her palm slides over his.  
  
“Come with me,” she mumbles, demanding and not requesting. It almost makes a smile twitch onto his lips- she’s only so unashamed about her desires when she's half-asleep. “Please?”  
  
He nods to her and she smiles up at him, beaming through her sleepy haze before tugging him toward the door. He’s so fucked, he thinks as he lets this small woman tug him back to bed. He’s so fucked.  
  
She crawls back into bed and he waits until she’s wormed her way under the covers before joining her quietly. As soon as he's settled in, she rolls over and latches onto him, curling up close as he wraps his arms around her. He’s never liked cuddling, but he’s never been so attached before and Kyoutani just wants her as close as possible, always.  
  
He knows that he doesn't deserve her, but he’s too selfish to let go.  
  
She sighs, soft and content, and Kyoutani holds her closer, shutting his eyes and tilting his head down to kiss her tangled hair.  
  
“I love you,” she tells him, whispered and muffled against his chest.  
  
Kyoutani squeezes his eyes shut tighter and holds her even more firmly, tangles a hand in her hair and presses her flush against him in a bid to get her as close as possible.  
  
“...I love you, too,” Kyoutani mumbles back, the words still feeling foreign on his tongue. He’s not sure he'll ever get used to saying it.  
  
She sighs again, happy, and then all goes quiet outside of her quiet breathing and the whir of the air conditioner. Kyoutani buries his face into her hair and he quietly cuts off the stem off thoughts bleeding through his mind as he tries to get ahold of himself.  
  
One thought stays, though, and he falls to sleep with a litany of _I love her. I love her. I love her._ running through his brain.

**Author's Note:**

> Is it cliche that I really like Yachi getting Kyoutani to broaden his emotional range? Yes. Is it cliche that I really like small, sweet baby and quietly brooding punk? Yes. Do I care? No.
> 
> Idk if Kyoutani would really be so introspective, but I wanted it and now I'm going to face plant back into bed.
> 
> Come say hi and hello on [my tumblr](https://moramew.tumblr.com/)~


End file.
